Feeling Down & DAMN THE PRONOUNS You and I

Who has time to keep up with a blog? I need another me to keep up with myself. This is going to be all over the place like everything in my life and my head so I apologize in advance. It has been a while since I wrote last. So much progress has been made.

Dominick has changed so much and made so many strides. He now waves correctly to others. Before he would wave with his hand facing him own face instead of away towards others. He is asking for items more frequently and with more descriptives. He still has to be prompted to do so.

He is starting to say "I want" but has to be prompted. He gets confused easily when trying to ask for something. He tends to say "more please" to get something. Trying to get him to ask for either for example a red car or a blue truck he might say "want more please red" or "blue truck please" or he might get it right and say "I want red car". It is amazing that we are getting him to pick out an object from different options. Pronouns.... AHHHHHH! You and I. You want, I want. I will prompt him, "Say please" or "Say I want ..." and he responds with, "Say please" or "Say I want...” It confuses him sometimes and breaks my heart to see him get frustrated when he is trying to get it right and he just doesn't know what he is supposed to say to just get the damn red car or blue ball or piece of candy from me.

Food... Most toddlers can be temperamental eaters. Go through fazes of eating everything to not wanting to eat anything. Dominick goes through these phases also but on a whole other level. He used to eat fish sticks but wont anymore. He will sometimes eat chicken nuggets but only the Tyson dinosaur ones and McDonald's. Will not eat chicken tenders or any other chicken of any kind. He likes grilled cheese but not from a restaurant. Only ones we make at home, SOMETIMES. Loves Taco bell crunchy tacos. He eats them upside down. Will not eat any other tacos even if I make them with the Taco bell brand mix. We have to go to Taco bell and get them. They have to have the wrapper. Loves cereal some days. Loves Dunkin Doughnuts cinnamon munchkins. Not doughnuts just munchkins. BACON BACON BACON! Makes him gag from time to time but will continue to eat it no matter what. He will eat apple slices and grapes sometimes. He just stopped eating the Gerber toddler chicken mashed potatoes and carrots meal. The ONE balanced meal he would eat he won’t eat anymore.

Marty and I are starting to hit a major wall with the whole food issue. Terror, fear, frustration are constant when it comes time to feed Dominick. I want someone to walk in and give us the magic answer and cure to the whole food issue. When I see other children eat or hear other parents talk about how great an eater their child is I feel such envy. When others tell me how "It is just a phase" and "Oh my little one just started eating again he will soon" I want to scream because they just don't understand how most food makes him gag and he doesn't want to try to eat anything new. I wish I knew if it was a texture thing or a color thing or a smell thing.

So many questions I have he may be able to answer one day when he has the language skills but for now it is a guessing game.

He has dropped a lot of his repetitive behaviors and picked up a few new ones. He really wants to try to have a conversation with me. He uses a few words mixed in with his jibber jabber and really is trying to have a conversation with me. It makes me feel such joy that he is wanting to try to reach out and communicate and so sad at the same time because he has such a large vocabulary now and not a clue how to use it. It is kind of like having a garage full of tools and not knowing the first thing how to fix a car or build a bird house. I know how to use a wrench and how to use a saw and how to use a drill. I just don't know how to use them all together to build one thing or fix something.

Dominick is becoming one very strong little boy. In just the past month I have had a black eye and a split lip. I am starting to become a little scared of how strong and how large his tantrums are going to be as he gets older. I am great at helping him control them and finding new ways for him to get in control. I literally get on the ground with him and use my arms, legs, well my whole body to get him under control. He doesn't just hit and kick. His whole body goes out of control and he thrashes with such a terrifying force. I can get him out of it pretty fast. I squeeze him and he likes it. I can sometimes predict an "episode" coming on and can get him to squeeze before it becomes a full blown "episode". We have started using breathing to help calm him down. I get him to look me in the face and take deep breaths with him. It used to bother me when these melt downs happened in public but I just am becoming numb to people’s reactions to it. I care more about helping my child than what people are seeing or thinking.

The past two weeks have been really hard. My sister described it best. It feels like a lead blanket is on me and I can't get up. I am allowing myself to feel down. I am giving myself permission to kick myself. I am giving myself permission to have a pity party. That is why I am writing this now. That is why I started this. This is my release. Well not that that has been said and is done I can get back to being super mom. Thanks for allowing me to vent.