The Blame Game

My husband and I had decided back in October of 2009 that we wanted to have another child.  We would really love to have another little girl.  My daughter is now 18 and Marty wanted another child. So we decided after the holidays and the New Year we would start trying to have another child.  I had gone to the doctor and I was taking my prenatal vitamins.  I had been exercising and had lost a lot of weight.  I felt so ready and excited.

When I was pregnant with Dominick we went to the Renaissance Fair and Marty got a dragon wind chime for the Dominick's nursery.  So when we went this year we decided to get one for our future baby. We had already started thinking of names.  Shannon Josephine if it was a girl and Hayden if it was going to be a boy.

Then came the diagnosis of autism.  I went to see my OB/GYN Dr. Soloman, who is one of the longest male relationships in my life.  He has seen me through a lot.  Absolutely terrific doctor.  Enough of the plug, back to what I was talking about.  So the odds of having a child with autism is now 1 in 110 and if you have a boy 1 in 75.  When you already have an autistic child your odds will now be 1 in 75 and if you have a boy 1 in 50.

Dr. Soloman drew blood and tested me for Fragile X gene.  Fragile X is a family of genetic conditions, which can impact individuals and families in various ways.  These genetic conditions are related in that they are all caused by gene changes in the same gene, called the FMR1 gene.  It is the most common cause of inherited mental impairment.  This impairment can range from learning disabilities to more severe cognitive or intellectual disabilities.  FXS is the most common known cause of autism or "autistic-like" behaviors.  Symptoms also can include characteristic physical and behavioral features and delays in speech and language development.  I got the results that I am not a carrier of Fragile X.  So what now?

Dr. Soloman also referred us to a genetic counselor.  She has been extremely helpful in getting Dominick in for genetic testing and counseling.  We are still going to have a little bit of a wait to get in. She recommended we not try until we get back Dominick's results from any genetic tests.  This could take up to a year.

Family history plays in a huge factor.  On my side of the family there is not a history of autism.  On my husband Marty's side there are some cases of autism.  One of Marty's first cousin's has 3 boys all with ASD.  I couldn't even imagine.

So Dr. Soloman opens the topic of donated sperm.  Not something I ever thought I would ever think of as an option.  There it is.  Then there are the options of adoption or fostering.  With adoption I don't think we have a good chance.  Asking your husband if he is okay with the idea of using someone else's DNA to create your child is not easy.  "Hey honey pass the salt and oh yeah how do you feel about sperm donation?"

Now comes the practical questions.  Am I going to be able to handle having a baby and still be able to give Dominick everything he is going to need of me?  Are we going to be able to afford a new baby and all the therapies and school that Dominick is going to need?  Am I willing to take the chance of having another child?  Is Marty going to be okay with not having another child?  Is Marty going to blame this on me?  Is he going to bare all the weight of this on himself?  Am I willing to give up on having another child?

Well we have decided to not have another baby.  My heart is ripped open just by typing those words. Everyday I see the wind chime we got for the baby and I get a knot inside of me.  I see other babies and it takes everything in me not to break down.  I have to go and hide in the bathroom or laundry room because I don't want anyone to see me upset.  I was going through Dominick's clothes the other day and saw a couple of his baby outfits I set aside to save for him one day when he has children and I fell apart.  Just the idea of Shannon Josephine or Hayden was enough to make me mourn the loss of the dream of them.

The most important thing in all of this for me is that it is not my fault.  It is not my husband’s fault.  It is not my son’s fault.  It is just what it is. It wasn't that God didn't give me what I wanted or asked for or that he wasn't listening.  Sometimes the answer is just not the one you want.  I trust in him and his plan for me.  He gives me what he knows I can carry.

Telling Friends & Family

When you are pretty much "Bitch Slapped" with the news that you have a child with autism going through all the emotions is a daily battle. Having to tell people who are in your life and care for you is a difficult road to navigate. They see Dominick as this perfect child who is well behaved. Dominick has been the perfect child. He goes to bed no problem. He always slept through the night and when we transitioned into a big boy bed we had zero problems. He is a picky eater but does eat well. He doesn't have big tantrums and for the most part listens to us. So when we tell friends and family "Dominick is autistic" their first reaction is "No he isn't".

Then I have to go into defense mode and explain over and over why my child is autistic. It is so backwards in my head to have to defend a disability that my child has. It is a dagger soaked in lemon juice, hydrochloric acid and salt that pierces my heart over and over again every time I go through it. I know everyone only has good intentions and loves us. But you don't see what my husband Marty and I see. Sure if you come over to see us and you spend a few minutes with him he seems like an average toddler. But I see him at Gymboree with other kids his age and I see him with his two cousins and I see he isn't the same. It could be so much worse. And I thank God in my heart every day that it is not. If it wasn't for my faith in God I would not be able to get through this. And you will definitely not hear me question God why me why my child.

One of my best friends Mike said, "Wow this sucks. I don't really know what to say except this sucks." At that moment that was the most perfect phrase I could have ever heard. That was exactly what I needed. THIS SUCKS! So I then sent an email to our friends and family:



Hi everyone,

Some of you may already know about Dominick. For those of you that don't Marty and I took Dominick to see his pediatrician earlier this year regarding concerns about his development and speech. She

recommended a Behavioral Specialist for us to see. We filled out the papers sent to us (wow was that a lot of paper work and questionnaires). Due to his high demand we were not able to get in to see him until this past Thursday. After talking with us, a neurological exam and him playing and trying to interact with Dominick he gave us news we were not expecting at all. ASD, AUTISM SPECTUM DISORDER. We were prepared for Speech Therapy but not AUTISM.

Is my child going to grow up with a normal childhood? Is my child going to not talk and rock back and forth? Is my child going to be able to have a family of his own one day? Will my child play sports? All of this plus a million other questions flooded us all at once. Will my child ever say to me, "Mommy I love you"?

What causes it? We do not know. Chances are there is a hereditary factor in our case. We do not know. How bad is it? I don't know. I see things happen some days that make me scared and the next day I don't see them. Does he communicate with us? No he does not. Does he hug me? Yes he

does. We are going to be going to a Speech Therapist and an Engagement Therapist. We will be trying to find a Mother's Morning out program that can help with him.

How severe is he in the Spectrum? We do not know.

Here is what we need! We know that you all love us and Dominick very much. We know you all think
he is a perfect little boy. He is well behaved, beautiful, and smart and has been so great about sleeping in his big boy bed and sleeping through the night and so on and so on. And you are all right he is all of these things and so much more. Then there is also the side of his story that all of you do not see that we see as his parents. His love of watching ceiling fans, watching running water, repetitive movement of his hands and arms, running around in circles, spinning, banging his head on the couch over and over, staring off into space, not answering us or acknowledging us when we call his name, not communicating with us, not asking us for anything, not saying Mommy or Daddy, not playing with other kids at Gymboree, not participating in activities at Gymboree, parroting words and actions, and a thousand other things.

I know that a lot of people have a lot of strong opinions on autism. You are allowed to have them. Right now all we need is to know you love and support us and think that this sucks. My friend Mike put it the best, "I do not know what to say. This Sucks!" That was perfect. Thanks Mike.

We hope to have more answers soon and we will probably always have more questions than answers. We pray that he will be that child that gets help and out grows it. Diabetes... Insulin Asthma... Inhaler Autism...???

On Friday the CDC released a report that now 1 out of every 110 children will be diagnosed autistic with 1 out of every 70 boys. They are now saying that it is a Public Health Crisis.
We are so lucky to have such wonderful friends and family in our lives. Everyone hug your loved ones. Kiss your kids and play a game with them. Have a wonderful Christmas and please count every blessing in your life.

Thanks everyone,

Deva & Marty Chirico



So now everyone knows. Battle one down. Bring on the next challenge.

The Day My Son Was Diagnosed My Life Was Changed

I had concerns about my son. I take him to Gymboree. I noticed that he wasn't hitting all the developmental milestones that other kids were. He will talk, but not in sentences and he never asks for anything. He mostly just parrots what we say. He doesn't point to anything. He loves circles, walking in them mainly. He has his own language of gibber gabber. He is fascinated by water and ceiling fans. And a million other things.

I took him to see his pediatrician back in July of 2009 and she referred us to a Behavioral Specialist. We weren't able to get an appointment until December. We went to see the Specialist. After answering hundreds of questions and him playing with Dominick for a few minutes he left the room. I was expecting that we would need to see a Speech Therapist. Easy. I was in no way prepared to hear what came out of his mouth when he walked back into the room. "Your son is autistic" WHAT?

When someone is diagnosed with asthma you give them breathing treatments and an inhaler. If someone is diagnosed with diabetes you give them insulin. I am in no way saying that I wish my son had asthma or diabetes instead of autism nor am I saying that it is an easier road to go down. When someone is diagnosed with autism???
The Behavioral Specialist told us to contact Autism Speaks, get him into Speech Therapy and Engagement Therapy. Who do I call? Where are these Specialists? What do I do? Basically what I got from the person my pediatrician sent me to for answers was, Your son has autism. Good Luck.

So I call back my pediatrician to find out what I should do next. She basically informs me that she sent me to the Behavioral Specialist and that he should tell me where to go next. Great I now have two medical professionals with zero knowledge on how to help my autistic son.

I got in touch with Autism Speaks. Best thing I could have done. They have a package called The 100 Day Kit. Basically it helps guide you to get through the first months after you have been diagnosed. They also helped my find the SC agency Baby Net.
My heart has never felt so broken.