The Blame Game

My husband and I had decided back in October of 2009 that we wanted to have another child.  We would really love to have another little girl.  My daughter is now 18 and Marty wanted another child. So we decided after the holidays and the New Year we would start trying to have another child.  I had gone to the doctor and I was taking my prenatal vitamins.  I had been exercising and had lost a lot of weight.  I felt so ready and excited.

When I was pregnant with Dominick we went to the Renaissance Fair and Marty got a dragon wind chime for the Dominick's nursery.  So when we went this year we decided to get one for our future baby. We had already started thinking of names.  Shannon Josephine if it was a girl and Hayden if it was going to be a boy.

Then came the diagnosis of autism.  I went to see my OB/GYN Dr. Soloman, who is one of the longest male relationships in my life.  He has seen me through a lot.  Absolutely terrific doctor.  Enough of the plug, back to what I was talking about.  So the odds of having a child with autism is now 1 in 110 and if you have a boy 1 in 75.  When you already have an autistic child your odds will now be 1 in 75 and if you have a boy 1 in 50.

Dr. Soloman drew blood and tested me for Fragile X gene.  Fragile X is a family of genetic conditions, which can impact individuals and families in various ways.  These genetic conditions are related in that they are all caused by gene changes in the same gene, called the FMR1 gene.  It is the most common cause of inherited mental impairment.  This impairment can range from learning disabilities to more severe cognitive or intellectual disabilities.  FXS is the most common known cause of autism or "autistic-like" behaviors.  Symptoms also can include characteristic physical and behavioral features and delays in speech and language development.  I got the results that I am not a carrier of Fragile X.  So what now?

Dr. Soloman also referred us to a genetic counselor.  She has been extremely helpful in getting Dominick in for genetic testing and counseling.  We are still going to have a little bit of a wait to get in. She recommended we not try until we get back Dominick's results from any genetic tests.  This could take up to a year.

Family history plays in a huge factor.  On my side of the family there is not a history of autism.  On my husband Marty's side there are some cases of autism.  One of Marty's first cousin's has 3 boys all with ASD.  I couldn't even imagine.

So Dr. Soloman opens the topic of donated sperm.  Not something I ever thought I would ever think of as an option.  There it is.  Then there are the options of adoption or fostering.  With adoption I don't think we have a good chance.  Asking your husband if he is okay with the idea of using someone else's DNA to create your child is not easy.  "Hey honey pass the salt and oh yeah how do you feel about sperm donation?"

Now comes the practical questions.  Am I going to be able to handle having a baby and still be able to give Dominick everything he is going to need of me?  Are we going to be able to afford a new baby and all the therapies and school that Dominick is going to need?  Am I willing to take the chance of having another child?  Is Marty going to be okay with not having another child?  Is Marty going to blame this on me?  Is he going to bare all the weight of this on himself?  Am I willing to give up on having another child?

Well we have decided to not have another baby.  My heart is ripped open just by typing those words. Everyday I see the wind chime we got for the baby and I get a knot inside of me.  I see other babies and it takes everything in me not to break down.  I have to go and hide in the bathroom or laundry room because I don't want anyone to see me upset.  I was going through Dominick's clothes the other day and saw a couple of his baby outfits I set aside to save for him one day when he has children and I fell apart.  Just the idea of Shannon Josephine or Hayden was enough to make me mourn the loss of the dream of them.

The most important thing in all of this for me is that it is not my fault.  It is not my husband’s fault.  It is not my son’s fault.  It is just what it is. It wasn't that God didn't give me what I wanted or asked for or that he wasn't listening.  Sometimes the answer is just not the one you want.  I trust in him and his plan for me.  He gives me what he knows I can carry.